so i just finished a Sheralyn Kenyon book, Born of Night (i think i spelt her name wrong but i'm too lazy to look it up) and i was glued to it like the cheezy supernatural romance fan that i am. but in my defense i can honestly say that her stories have merit in that they do not take themselves too seriously.

still i was surprised how much i was into this book especially since there was some very over the top cliche writing and plot twists. but i keep thinking about the story because 1 - the main male character really struck me at first and 2 - i hated the ending.

what i loved was the violence and cruelty that the main character had under gone in his past. sure, the author does a lot of "tell", but as the book went on because it was mentioned so often, seen in his memories and from the eyes of those around him, it hit you like "show". and i was surprised at how violent the author wrote his past - actually mentioning him as a child being raped by child predators on the command of his father - which is just one of the hardships he had undergone - i thought was a little much for this type of novel. and i was impressed by it. usually it just makes reference to this sort of thing, or there was physical abuse or some sort of betrayal or incident, but Kenyon tells it deeper than that. true, there was no play by play and she doesn't show any violent sexual scenes, but still i was impressed with how far she went.

then i was utterly disappointed that true to romance form, the addition of the female leads "makes everything better". bullshit. a man that suffered what Nykyrian suffered would not be soothed by a woman, least of all one named Kiara *gag*. sure Nykyrian may be cheesy too, but i really abhor overly girlie names, or swirly names as i call them, because the short vowels swirl up and down when you say it and you can just imagine lots of curly-qs when she writes it too. it just makes me think of instant wide eyed helpless but strong in spirit princess. or tough as nails but still utterly gorgeous tom boy. get real.

ok maybe i was a bit harsh there on the girl name, but the "change of heart hero" - please. i know that the Romance genre is littered with them, i mean i guess that is why women read this stuff, the whole savior complex. and maybe sometimes it doesn't bother me, maybe sometimes i like it. but not right now. now i am just jaded and disillusioned.

now i don't want the hero to have a total change of heart. i want the hero to still be broken. the case with Nykyrian for instance: anyone who went through what the author described would not have been healed so quickly or thoroughly by finding love. no way no how. yes he might love. yes he might let someone into himself - but it would not be all relief and roses. it was be painful and i imagine there would be false starts and set backs. he would be a very difficult person to stay with maybe. and i just don't see our heroine, most heroines, as the kind to do that. there is always that point in the plot where the heroine is deceived, thus turning her back on the noble savage and forsaking everything she just told him about her love for him. i understand this is a plot mechanic to keep the tension going, but there has to be a better way. i totally wouldn't take back someone who so quickly changed their mind about me, even with good reason. ok, so maybe i don't know what i would do personally, but story wise - i just think that heroines could be made of stronger less catty stuff.

i would have loved, LOVED this novel if the hero had stayed stayed tormented, or if she had shown that he would still be tormented and needed to adjust to having someone in his life. also if the reversal of fortune hadn't happened in regards to his family, his true family. i thought the "surprise i'm really someone you would never have thought" was a bit much on top of the "my life was shit but now it's ok because you're here".

anyway, i am hungrily making my way through the second novel in the series. it is pretty much the same writing, but i am more pleased with the heroine so far - she is the tough as nails yet still gorgeous kind - but she isn't afraid of laughing at herself or being humble. this is a story of betrayal and probably forgiveness and i of course would rather see him shoot her than forgive her, but then i suppose it wouldn't be romance now would it?

ah it's hard to be popular. wanted by so many. knowing that they just can't live without you. just makes you feel needed, valued. special.

you know - the way the dog barks at you continually to play, or the child calls your name incessantly for dinner or help with homework or to tell you about his latest video game conquest. it is heart warming the way the laundry looms at the top of stairs, teetering upon falling over itself for your attention. the way the cat box douses itself liberally in musky pheromones to draw you in with your sense of smell. groceries demand to be put away just to feel your caress and clutter - child/dog toys, soda cans, shoes, misplaced items - all stalk you like the paparazzi.

ah, the curse of being popular. everyone should be so lucky.

I let my 8 year old watch the first couple of episodes of Rurouni Kenshin yesterday. he had seen an episode when he was younger and asked out of the blue the other day if i still had it or anymore. when he was younger i was concerned with letting him watch a lot of anime as we all know it is not rally for small children and grown up themes can pop up out of nowhere. but i thought he could be old enough for Kenshin now.

as we watched the first episodes i was a little disconcerted by the violence and the intensity of the meanness of some of the bad guys. i certainly don't want my impressionable son to think that violence is cool.

but towards the end of the second episode, when the heroine Kaoru was about to be cut down by the big malicious enemy and Kenshin burst into the room to save her, my son made me proud by letting out a great "whoo hoo" and punching the air with his fist in his relief that the wanderer hadn't abandoned the heroine but came back for her. it showed me that he understood who the players were, the hero vs the villain, that he wanted good to triumph, and that he felt Kenshin did the right thing.

in that moment i felt that i have definitely been doing something right as a parent.

i just watched Brian Cox on the Colbert Report and i think he has just replaced Carl Sagan on my Top Scientist I Most Want To Jump list.

i picked up Fuyumi Soryo's Mars again the other day. randomly picked up volume 7 and started reading. i knew exactly where i was in the story and it immediately captivated me again. i love her stories and her art. this series particularly (although it's not like there is alot to choose from, she has only 2 series publish in the States). this series started me on manga and on a sort-of mid life crisis. i can't help but to think about ym life when i read this series. i have such a visceral reaction to it.
why do i keep all the clutter if it just causes me stress and angst? i am constantly making lists of what needs to be organized and sorted first and how i am going to do it and where i'm going to put it and what i need to do it. i lament that i never have time or money but when i do i find other things to do than clean the clutter. i sometimes actually HATE it. so why do i keep it?

i thought of just going home and taking everything that i have been meaning "to go through" and just trashing it (or recycle). i had a moment of euphoria - i could be free from it. i could be free from the constant nagging feeling that i have something to do, the stress from not wanting people to see my mess, from not being able to find things. i could look around the house and feel light and proud of my clean space. i could then have some free time to spend drawing or on the computer because i wouldn't have to constantly be moving crap around just to get the every day things done. it was truly a vision of light.

then the darkness of doubt or reality as i like to call it, crept in. of course i can't just throw stuff out carte blanche (did i spell that right?). what if i need it? it would be my luck, it's always my luck, to do the wrong thing at the wrong time, to make the wrong decision. i just know, KNOW, that the moment i toss out a pile of papers that i haven't needed in 15 years, there will be a problem and i will need them. i can't even tell you what kind of problem but it doesn't matter. the logistics don't matter. what matters is the feeling. i feel that i if i toss something out with out having fully considered the the consequences, and i mean ALL the consequences one could possibly think of (which of course no one can ever do) then i am irresponsible. i will have made a bad choice, as usual, just proving yet again that i am irresponsible, a bad housekeeper, a bad wife and a bad mother. that my judgement is not to be trusted and my opinion is pretty much worthless. so why bother? i never succeed at anything anyway.

so yeah, wow. i my brain goes from a clutter house to being irresponsible and worthless. how messed up is that?

it gets worse. because i always try to cheer myself up by saying "someday i will clean it up", some day i will draw again, someday i will go back to school, someday i will have a career, someday i will grow up and know what i want to be, someday i'll eat healthy, lose weight, someday i'll have a nice yard or pretty closet or bedroom or unfathomly romantic nights, or be the popular person, or be considered "good" by my parents. someday ...
well, someday ISN'T FUCKING COMING!

i HATE SOMEDAY!. someday my house will be clean. someday i will need this or that. you know what i don't need? fucking someday. it ISN'T.FUCKING.COMING.

i think it is very very wrong for a store that caters to plus size women to have an and or slogan that says "The Trend: Skinny Bottoms!" Am i wrong? is it just me?

this is the 3rd weekend i have taken off from work and the third time that i don't get to do what i planned. i'm not sure why i bother to use my vacation time. i am now dangerously low on vacation time and have nothing to show for it.

i did get to go a jack-n-jill wedding shower in Boston. it was nice to be able to actually hang out with those friends without having to go to work afterward. but i had wanted to so something fall-like while we were up there, maybe go to Provincetown and whale watch or go the Plimouth Plantation or Sturburge Village. but alas al of our bad spending habits have caught up with us and we can't afford to much of anything this weekend except maybe hit Taco Bell. so sad. i might as well have went to work today.

i suppose all is not lost. i am going to try to use this day as a major clean my house day. sweep and mop floors, put in the new rug for the living area, vacuum all the carpets. i think my house smells. not too surprising since we had that cat pee problem. but i think it's more than that.

also hoping to take Harry to the park today. he is beginning to display boredom behavior. i'm sure we don't play with him enough. i still beat myself up for only having one kid, yet even having the dog shows me that i really don't have the time or attention span to take care of another little being.

on a higher note, i'm not depressed yet. i have been freakishly positive or at least not negative for a while now and it's starting to creep me out. winter is coming and i am dreading the darkness. i just know that is when the proverbial other shoe will drop. of it is because in the dark you can't see it coming.

ok. so i believe that what the last post was trying to say, before i got sidetracked into body issues, was that even though there were moments over my extra vacation days that stressed me and made my miserable, the moments were just that - momentary. i was able to in the end stay in a good mood. still am. it is weird and i wait for the other shoe to drop (where the hell did that phrase come from? i should look it up).

if i think about housework too much i become overwhelmed. so i am trying not to. become overwhelmed that is. i am thinking about housework but patiently. i am still trying to put things in a priority list. sometimes it works, sometimes not. mostly i am just trying not to let things bother me.

we go the Little Man a loft bed. it has really opened his room up. and a couple of new storage racks. thing now is to actually sort and put away toys in the storage racks and his desk. same with clothes. they need to be sorted, folded and put away. and labeled. i need a label maker. i think with things labeled it will be easier for us all to put stuff away.

so there is some progress on the bedroom front. i have also done some picking up, sorting and putting away in my room. 3 bags of clothes to Goodwill and about 8 square feet floor space revealed in my room. yay me.

the Feliway diffusers finally came in today. this is in effort to stop the cats from peeing everywhere. not that it was that bad. there would be pee on an article of clothing left on the floor once or twice a week. usually confined to one pile of items, the items easily washed or discarded. but still, it is frustrating; sometimes we wouldn't notice until a day or two later and by then there was already a discoloration on the hardwood floor. or there would be pee on something that wasn't easily cleanable, like a backpack, and the item is essentially ruined. the Husband has less patience than i about it.

but i ordered this stuff designed to mimic the pheromones cats leave when they face rub something. the face rub is a sign of contentment and the pheromone they leave give them this feeling when they smell it later. it says "i've been here before and it's good. i'm safe". so they make a synthetic one in both a spray and diffuser. i got both. it's supposed to take 30-90 days to be completely effective. so this is day one. i hope it works.

i've been a particularly good mood lately. it has had it's down moments, but i recovered quickly. i wonder how long this will last. i am determined however to be as productive as possible while i am feeling this way.

i have shopped twice this weekend. some people shop all the time, i shop like once a year. i hate shopping. the entire process is all about self image and i hate mine. i have very low esteem and shopping, trying to look "good" does nothing but remind me of how terrible i look, i how unhealthy i am and how much i have failed at trying to be attractive and healthy (read thin) over the years.

it is not a total psychological dive though; i understand that i can be large and pretty and i like my haircut and my eyes and my acne is not bad these days. i know there are styles that are more flattering than others and colors too. i am not delusional in thinking that i will find clothes that make me look like a size 8. i know i am a large person and clothes won't change that. but i do believe that the right clothes can make anyone look nice and flatter their best features. it is weird to have both this view and my low esteem. my thoughts go up and down from "who am i trying to kid" to "i know i can/do look nice".

so i shopped. i spent way more money than i should have. i used to shop in a "all or nothing" mode, meaning i needed to buy everything for the next year at once, everything i saw that i liked. i think i had this mentality because i knew i wasn't going to go shopping again for a long time and i might as well get stuff while i was there. now i am trying to shop more often and get less stuff, stuff that i really like, more quality stuff. unfortunately i am hindered by not having enough time. so now it's not that i don't WANT to shop, it is that i don't have the time to shop. i can't just run to JCPenny in town or browse the mall. those places don't carry clothes that fit me. i need Lane Bryant, the Avenue or Fashion Bug and none of them are near each other. so that's 3 separate shopping days for me. and it seems such a waste to go all the way to Warwick or Waterford and go to just one shop.

but anyway. i went to FB Friday and LB yesterday. i did get way too much stuff as in my old mode of get everything i like because i might not shop for the rest of the year, but, what can i say other than habit is hard to break and who does know when i'll get out again?

i bought some business stuff. and few summer-ish things on sale for my cruise in dec. i am feeling pretty good about the purchases.

now i am unsure why i started this post. i believe there was a reason other than to regale you all with my shopping psychosis. hmmm....

just caught up on LJ posts for the past week or so. didn't really comment on many, but i did enjoy seeing what everyone was up to.

i took this weekend offf from work. i had last weekend off too and what a disaster that was. i had many things planned - cleaning, shopping, visiting friends in NH - and then my son and the husband got sick. Little Man started off with a temp of 103 and the husband was just head achy and stuffy. so we did nothing. i tried to make it not a total loss by doing some cleaning, but i couldn't work in my room as the hsband was sleeping, i couldn't begin in the spare room because i couldn't the bed frame apart in there (i'm thinking it swelled with the heat) and i couldn't work on Little Man's room because i needed to move his old bed into the spare room, which i couldn't do because i couldn't break down the bed in there!! i gave up after that. damn that Murphy's Law.

so now i have this weekend off and it doesn't look like i am getting much either. that's ok though as that was not the point of this weekend. i didn't sleep at all Friday. instead i went shopping after work and almost actually enjoyed it. i got some cute shoes that don't hurt too much and few blouses. then i went out Friday night with my sister and cousins. it was nice. Saturday i went to another cousin's wedding. since i had slept the night before i was able to drink without fear of falling asleep! i wore one of my new blouses and actually felt pretty.

so we were sitting in church and the woman in front of my had black lace on the upper part of the back of her dress. i noticed some parts of the lace were darker than others; you know the mesh parts of lace that is see through and shows your skin? for some reason when i noticed just the first spot, i thought it was odd and maybe she had some sort of large birth mark. then i noticed other spots and realized is was just part of the lace. then i thought to myself, wouldn't it be more fun it it wasn't? what if it really was a bunch of birth marks, or she had like leopard spots on her back? recombinant DNA mutant or tattoo? didn't matter as either idea was more fun and interesting than lace.

i also saw several people in fancy dresses that had the potential to look fabulous, but the clothes just looked odd and i am pretty sure the problem could have been solved if those people had just stood up straight. bad posture just kills me when i see it. i know mine is not perfect all the time but i am very conscious of it. posture can really change someone's appearance. i think there are a world of overweight people, over skinny people, over tall people and short people etc who would look more appealing, more confidant if they just stood up straight. i could be wrong. just my opinion.

also this weekend i have a wedding shower to go to. this will be nice as i will get to see the friends from NH that i didn't get to see last weekend. and i get to wear another one of my cute new blouses. then the husband has taken some time off mon/tues and hopefully we can do some shopping and some more cleaning or rearranging. i still haven't gotten to my flea market yet, but there is still a few weekends left.

bug in my ear!! bug in my ear!!!! ew! ew! ew! ew!

i hate having boobs when it's humid. wearing a bra is soooooo uncomfortable. not wearing one is even worse.

how is it that the puppy or cat pees under our shoes? the shoe itself is not peed on - the outside and the inside are pee free, not wet, doesn't smell. but the shoe is sitting in a puddle of pee. like the middle of a 6 inch puddle. how is that possible?

before our Little Man was born we called him Spot. and i know other people have called their little unborn offspring something as well - i mean you have to refer the little being as something especially if you don't know if it is a boy or a girl.

i was composing a post and was going to mention the impeding arrival of offspring from Cranberriez and i decided that i needed to call it something aside from "it". i thought the term should be affectionate and reflect the fun endearing relationship i have had with Cranberriez since high school.

Cranberriez, henceforth your unborn shall be called Baby Yum Yums.


what do you think?

i did some "drop it" training with Harry this morning and it seemed to go well.

So I think of Gojyo from Saiyuki everyday when I type the password for my computer. I have to have themes to remember my passwords. This go around is Saiyuki. So at the beginning of my day and throughout I get a little pick my up as every time I log in I am reminded of Gojyo and hence the world of Saiyuki. (and no, the password is not Gojyo. i wouldn't mention it if it was something that obvious!)

When ever I say the name Gojyo in my head I see a violet, scarlet, fuscia like color that is Gojyo’s hair. Most often described in the red or scarlet vein, in some pics and scenes it has a purple/wine quality. Or at least I remember it that way. Does that ever happen to you? you remember something different from how it really was? I wonder why that is? For me I think it has to do with feeling. I am very visually oriented and images give me feelings. His hair is a very important part of Gojyo and if his hair does not have a purple or fuscia hue to it in many scenes or any scene at all, then I am drawing the color from somewhere else, something else, probably that has the same feeling I get from/about Gojyo. I wonder what it is?

i am so all over my email and LJ today! it's been so long!

i didn't sleep today. thought about it, planned on it, but just didn't. took the puppy for a walk, played some fetch and did some training (sit, wait, drop it) in the small fenced area my created for the puppy. i need to get him used to being in there so that i can leave him there while i garden in the yard. right now he sits by the gate and barks at me. he feels he needs to be with all the time. even now he is sitting on a pillow on a chair drawn up next to me at the computer desk. i had to put it there or he'd be in my lap!

then i watched Obama talk about health care reform. cried at the nice speech he gave about his nominee for Surgeon General. poor lady. she built a clinic over 4 times. Everytime it was up and running it got hit by a hurricane or fire. poor thing. and i thought God was trying to plink me to death.

then i watched What Not to Wear. i have to say in am strangely addicted. i love and hate Stacy London all at once. i envy that she can wear those shoes. you know which ones. yes - all of them! OMG they are so fantastic! and her hair - how straight, yet wavy and shiny! and i envy - not her skinny little body, but yes, of course, her fashion. so classic. and i hate her for all those things too. i also hate when she is really mean about people's wardrobes too. i know that is get ratings, but i'd rather see some mild making fun of and more constructive tips on how to to NOT have bad fashion. i really like to listen them talk about why an outfit works, what each piece does for each other as well as the body it is on. although they never have my body type on there, i do find the tips about patter and fabric and cut very helpful. at least i would if i had time to shop. it's not even a money thing. i'm so convinved that i could look great with the right clothes that i don't care how much i spend. i just need the time to look for teh right clothes. and of course to find them

ok. so i care a little about how much i spend. i mean the other thing that really bother me about the show is how expensive the clothes are. i mean if i had $5000 and 2 days in NY, i'm sure that even my ... large... frame would look good. so i'm not all $300 jeans crazy. but i am willing to buy straight off the rack, no sale shopping. i just need the time. but alas, not so much.

so after that i was flipping thinking i should go sleep, maybe doze on the couch and started watching Anthony Bourdain, No Reservations. i love that show. i love his monologues. i could go on, but i think i'd just be babbling.

in fact the post has probably just been babble. but i'm not apologizing. i'm posting!!! it's been so long.

of course LJ will probably not see me again for months. *shrugs*

i have made a concerted effort to get more sleep.

it has been going well. i think i get about 4 or 5 more hours of sleep a week now.

We put Little Man in a new summer program. it was $500 for 8 weeks, 9a-3p 5 days a week. and totally worth every penny. we can tell that even by the end of week 1. So far he has been to the Fire-station to hear a storyteller, had lunch in the park, watched the Shakespeare in the Park cast rehearse, been the library and made chocolate covered strawberries as a cooking project. the program is based right at his elementary school, which is 5 mins from our house. so i only have to get up 15 mins before 3 to go pick him up, vs 30 mins when he was in the other program which was all the way in town. there are only 9 kids in this program about 3 counselors. they have playground time and are learning to play tennis. they also have access to the school and have library time, art time and computer time. he plays math games. and he is excited to everyday.

i was worried because he made friends at the other summer camp. he liked it because the counselors pretty much left him alone and he sat in the shade and played with his DS all day. true they went roller-skating and bowling a couple of times, but i would much rather he watch a play rehearsal and listen to a storyteller. who knows what else they will do this summer?

It astounds me or maybe just really gets on my nerves, how short sighted people are; how they cannot think beyond how something impacts they as individuals and not a larger picture. Also how some people cannot conceive the idea that other people may know something they do not about a given situation.

For example, this morning I am peeved by some co-workers who are irritated by the new traffic pattern around my workplace. The new traffic pattern has those of us heading westbound going several hundred yards (possible a quarter mile) out of our way to loop onto an overpass only to exit and come out where we would have ended up had we been allowed to continue straight. While ridiculous at first thought, if you think farther on down road, both figuratively and literally, the change in that particular traffic pattern is not meant to be beneficial to those coming in westbound. They are instead considering the impact our missing cars has on those going out eastbound. Now I don’t know that for a fact – I’m not a highway designer. But I understand that small things affect bigger things ie the butterfly effect. So I can look at something that doesn’t make immediate sense and think – I bet this makes sense further on. But there are those in my office that just cannot take that leap. And that boggles me; how they can’t, don’t or won’t think outside the box. Think beyond themselves, beyond convention, beyond the immediate, just… beyond.

The other part about speaking of this subject that bothers me is that my co-workers seem unable to accept the fact that there are people out there, other than themselves, who know what they are doing and that what they do may not, indeed does not, need to make sense to everyone else. The people who design high ways should know what they are doing. Certainly not all of them do and mistakes are made, but serious planning goes into these things. Sometimes you just have to trust the professionals know what they are doing.

Of course, to my co-workers' excuse, our workplace has been so riddled with decisions, policies and changes that have not panned out well – things that worked so badly that it doesn’t take an expert to see it – that I suppose their distrust is natural. But still, in this case, with the people I was speaking with, I’m going to chock it up mostly to their attitude. And I could not longer speak to them. I had to walk away.

i stayed up for an hour and a half this morning so that the puppy would piddle before i lay down for the day and would you believe it the little bastard wouldn't piddle? he did his thing around 7am. now he can't really hold it for more than 4 hours. i brought him out about 930 when i got home. no piddle. i let him doze on the couch until 1030, then brought him out again - no piddle. i waited another half hour - 11am the latest i was going to go to bed - and took him out again - no piddle. we lay down and a an hour and a half later he wakes me up to go out and piddle. and even then it takes him 10 minutes outside before he does his thing. i think i used the bathroom like 3 times since i came home. how could he have not had to piddle? grr.... tomorrow - no waiting. since there is little hope of 4 solid hous of sleep, we go to bed when i get home whether he has piddled or not.