You are viewing jewelp

01 June 2014 @ 10:22 am
I was a little bit better today than I was yesterday.  My bit of better was that I picked up a piece of trash, a used plastic cup and lid, from the concourse floor on my morning walk through the casino that I work at.  I could not find a trash can nearby so I kept the discarded beverage holder until I found a security guard and asked him where I could find a trash can.  I then walked across the casino floor to said trash can and threw the cup away.   I could have left the used materials on the floor for our team of cleaners to find and pick up, it is part of their job, but why leave it?  Why leave it there for patrons to see until an ESD team member comes into that area?  I have two hands and two legs.  Why couldn't I help out a co-worker, the environment and our patrons by picking it up myself and tossing it?  There is no reason why I couldn't or shouldn't, so I did.

In the past (not always but sometimes) I may have walked by it thinking I didn't want to touch, germs and all, and of course the ESD team members have gloves and it is job security for them to things to clean.  That's bullshit.  It was an empty clear plastic cup.  So I was a bit better today than I was yesterday.  That's all any of us can really do.  Be Better.
Current Location: where the heart is
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Linkin Park, Minutes to Midnight
24 May 2014 @ 10:28 am
So i really wanted to ramble on about how totally obsessed I am with Ian Somerhalder these days, but he has just been eclipsed by Katherine Moennig.  On my grayscale she totally makes me slide the other way.  it's weird though because it's a toss up as to whether or not i want to be "with" her or if i just want to "be" her.
Current Mood: enthralledenthralled
I’m sure every person goes through this; there are a myriad of quotes and memes that tell us so.  It’s the point in your life when you realize that that your parents were right all along or that you have become your parents.  Today’s thought is not so much that I’ve become my parents, more that i recall two instances when I became older.

The first was when I turned 13 or thereabouts.  My parents have an in ground pool.  They’ve had it since I was about 5.  I was in it constantly.  4-6 hours a day sometimes. Me, my older sister and our two cousins, also sisters, one of whom was slightly older than my sister, the other 3 years younger than me. My sister and my older stopped playing in the pool with me and my younger cousin shortly after they became teenagers.  All they wanted to do was lie in the sun.  no pool, no playing house in the basement playroom.  My younger cousin and I thought they were boring – why lay in the sun and get all hot when you can swim or play house?  Then summer after I turned 13 or 14 I found that I was reluctant to go in the pool.  That all I really wanted to do was lie in the sun.  isn’t that weird?  It’s like some sort of teenage change.  I remember my younger cousin wanting to play house and still be in the pool for hours on end.  I would go with her remembering what it was like when my sister and older cousin stopped playing with me, but I know, remember, all I wanted to do was lie there in the heat.  I think that even at the time I noticed this and was like – when did I become a lazy teenager?

The second instance I thought of where I became older also has to do with the pool.  As stated when I was little I was in that thing constantly and at any temperature.  My mom resolutely put her foot down and said I could not go in if the temp was below 65 degrees.  But once it hit 65, I was in it. I didn’t understand the adults (parents, aunts, uncles, cousins who were always around) who wouldn’t go in “unless it’s 80 degrees”.  I thought they were old and boring.  Once I had my son (at 26) and I began going to my mom’s pool more often (he loves the water) I came to realize that I no longer found 65 degrees acceptable.  In fact as he got older (he’s 13 now) I started saying things like “not unless it’s 80” LOL.  When did I become old?
i had something to say - really i did.  several somethings.  thought of them several times over the last two weeks - in the car, at work.  Now that i'm at the computer, alone - it's gone.  i caught up with friends - Facebook and LJ posts and and hour has gone by.  my ass is going numb.  and i can't remember what i wanted to say.  *sigh*
I have begun rereading the Fever series by Karen Marie Moning.  I like that Mac, her main character, does not come from a broken background.  I feel that many of the heroes and heroines of fantasy stories come from a tragic place and it's nice to see a  main character who comes from a nice place.  Mac comes from middle class Southern Georgia where the houses have big front porches with swings and how cussing is unladylike how her mom makes her cookies and snuggles on the big sofa when Mac or her sister has a broken heart.   Mac's parents are married, for about 30 years and still very much in love. Mac's biggest problem in life was the fact that she had to replace her cell phone because she dropped hers in the pool.  yes, somewhat shallow, but Mac is unapologetic for her life.  She had a good life, why should she be ashamed of it?  and i agree.  People shouldn't feel guilty because they didn't have problems growing up.

I like that Moning that this idyllic childhood a strength for Mac.  Barrons chides her for her "perfect little world" often, telling her she's soft and not cut out for what she is getting into.  But we see Mac fall back on the examples of her parents, the  people they are and the person they taught her to be and she derives strength from that.  Mac had a good easy life before she gets involved in the story but isn't so shallow that she can't recognize how shallow some of her habits were, but still is unapologetic for them.  That's who she was and there is nothing wrong with that.  it doesn't mean she can't be the person who is needed now.

Her story starts with the first tragedy of her life, her sister's murder.   and i can't say she develops a backbone or toughness; i feel that Moning gives us the impression it was always there just not needed.  now she needs it.  she still loves her pink nail polish and gold strappy sandals, but is all too happy to trade them in for black camo and frumpy t-shirts if that means staying alive.  She's also not afraid to light peach scented candles in the house she shares w/ Barrons whether he likes them or not, because she still finds value in soft pretty things, in things that brighten up an area.

i also really really like that Moning has Mac not care that she was adopted.  This is the second tragic thing that happens to her, finding out that the last 22 years of her life was a lie.  Mac is angry and stews on this for a few days, but in the end doesn't led this wreck her life.  She expresses what i've known all my life (as i am adopted also): the people who raised her are her family.  She was loved and cared for and nothing, no birth certificate, do DNA test, can change that.  her parents are her parents.  they love her and she loves them.  i feel that so many times the revelation of adoption is tied to everything that is wrong in the character's life.  i am so pleased to read a story where the fact that she is adopted is what made everything so right in her life.  That her good life, safe and warm and loved, is what gives her the strength to face the now horrible things going on.  i'm so glad i am rereading this.
14 March 2014 @ 02:12 pm
I picked up an old address book today, the orange one with the white rabbits and dot flowers on it.  I don't recall where I got it exactly, there is some distant memory of it being given to me by an odd relative and even though not my "style" it was what I had and so I used it.  I was looking for an old much unused number - for my aunt who has lived in the same house for 50 years so i'm sure her number hasn't changed - so i picked up this old and much unused address book.  Inside I found my entire adolescence in more or less chronological order by who I knew at the time.  my best friends from junior high were first and then my very first boyfriend - seeing his name and number stung me because i still don't feel right about what happened, but his name sweet as well because well, he was so sweet.  there are acquaintances from summer jobs who were total friends at the time but not the type to carry on outside of that place and that time. They are intermixed with work numbers and people I babysat for and a few more boyfriends and of course the girl friends  and odd relatives.  As i turned the pages i could see the years pass with the names, from grade school to high school to college. each page with new numbers, names of some who were friends, some passing through from summer jobs, some just acquaintances whose number i needed for something.  Some boyfriends, some potential boyfriends.  Some were my very best friends. and intermixed were the odd numbers, people i baby sat for, places i worked, teacher's numbers and the psychologist i was to call immediately if i felt my friend was going to hurt himself.  i called that number a couple of times.  Some names and numbers were repeated, some crossed out with new numbers, same name.  It was amazing to see in one small book that contained very little information how my circle of friends changed; who was forgotten and who was carried through with numbers and addresses.  Is it weird that i recognized almost every single name in that book and knew exactly when i met them and where i was at the time of my life when i made the entry? Amazing how it all comes flooding back.  and from something as simple as an address book.  The ultimate guide of my life by measured by the who i knew.

incidentally my Aunt's number was not in that book.  It must be in the other one, the blue one with Winnie the Pooh on it. 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
07 February 2014 @ 05:08 pm
I just got the most wonderful surprise: Cranberriez just sent me a book of mermaid stories for St.Valentine's Day!  Mermaids are my absolute favorite!!  yet i have not read a lot of mermaid stories - Cranberriez how did you know? You are an absolute dear dear darling!  Thank you and love you!
Brainwash 2014 is going well so far.  Small things like checking Little Man's homework, and setting small cleaning goals for the day, like 2 things, and actually doing them - it's going well.

I think I almost done with the Christmas wrapping.  Yes i know that Christmas was a few weeks ago.  We had ordered some things for relatives on the other coast and they just came in.  So i finished wrapping and now i have to find a box to ship it all in.  Problem is the shipping boxes are in the basement and currently there is a huge area rug rolled up on the basement stairs.  Why you may ask?  Because my lovely cat of 16 years, who i love very much, peed on it in 2 places while we were on vacation.  let me explain further - we had a house sitter so that the cat and dog wouldn't need be upset by kenneling.  on the day we came home, after the sitter left, before we came home, he peed.  a lot.  i assume it was only that day because it REEKED in that area of the room.  i can't imaging that the sitter would have not noticed or not told me.

So we used some Simple Solution, which i've had good luck with before.  I dosed it twice, then we moved the carpet outside to the deck to dry.  Needless to say it got rained on cuz we're a little lazy about things and didn't pull it in.  we went to haul it in before it snowed though, and lo and behold it was frozen.  it was a bitch to roll up, if you could call what we did rolling it up, and we put it on the basement stairs for lack of a better place, to hopefully thaw out.  last i checked it was still really really stiff.  *sigh*.

i'll probably purchase boxes to ship the gifts in.  no biggie.  BUT the carpet has got to move so i can take my tree down and put the rest of the Christmas stuff away.  What is really the cinched is that we will most likely need to get a new rug.  for some reason i'm just not hopeful that the smell is out.  I really don't want to find a new rug.  we love this one.  grrr.... *sigh*.

still love my kitty cat.  always.
Tags: ,
04 January 2014 @ 10:07 am
Instead of making a New Year's Resolution, I am making a Brainwash.  I mean when we vow to to change something, doesn't it really come down to brainwashing?  In order to lose weight, quit smoking, spend less, exercise more, be nice to people you don't like you have to change your behavior.  to make those changes stick you have believe deep down that what you're doing is the right thing, the good thing, a thing that is you. Otherwise the behavior that you have perfected over years and years will return.  In essence we need to brainwash ourselves into thinking this is part of who we are.

Don't get me wrong, this is not bad thing.  To me, what i'm talking about, is just the systematic repetition of telling ourselves that something is "right", "good" and "what i am about now".  To submerge yourself in the topic of something and surround yourself with the idea.  Almost like a cult, but a cult of good.  like people who are in cults are brainwashed while they are there and in order to get out they need to be brainwashed the opposite way.

anyway, I'm sticking with calling this my NewYear's Brainwash for now.  I could be totally off on calling it that, but hey the name just came to me and I thought i would toss it out there and explore it.  But the idea has been with me for a few months.

So my New Year's Brainwash for this year 2014 is to Be Good to Myself.  This includes Being Responsible, such as Being On Time, and Being Organized and Being Cleanly.  I will repeatedly tell myself that I Deserve to be Responsible because when I am my life is Easier and Happier.  Changes that I hope to invoke are getting up earlier for work, maybe to the point where i have time to put on make up, thus being good to myself by Taking Pride in myself (appearance).   When i come against something that i know i should do, that would be responsible thing do, such as pay the bills or go to the post office, but i normally just lay on the couch in front of TV, i will tell myself to Be Good to Myself.  I will say "Be Good to yourself.  Get this done now.  You deserve to be responsible.  You'll feel like an adult, someone who is capable of doing what needs to be done.  You will Feel Good about yourself. ".  I am hoping this will motivate me to move.

Sound like a lot of bull?  maybe.  But i can tell you that i have been saying bad things to myself for decades "you're fat", "you're so disorganized", "you're always late", "you can never be on time", "your house is such a wreck", "you can't go back to school", "you have no skills", "no one ever listens to you", "you failed at this diet", "you have no will power", "you messed up the finances again", "you can't do anything right" - and at my root feeling worthless, unvalued and ultimately like i'm not a good human being.   If negative self talk is part of feeling bad, shouldn't positive self talk be part of feeling good about yourself?

What will your Brainwash be?
05 August 2013 @ 08:02 pm
so sad that the title of this post is not in a more naughty sense...

Apparently August is pet month for me.  A pet month is wherein all at once i decide to take care of all of the much needed much neglected upgrades and upkeeps of the pets in my house which results in a lot work and a lot money and last time an unfortunate dog adoption.  Unfortunate in that she turned out to be afraid of men and we could not keep her, which almost broke my little boy's heart.  BUT we found that little dog a good home and as a matter of fact on a recent trip to the vet, Dr. Judy said she recently saw little Daisy and she was doing well and her new owner just loves her to pieces.

So no new dogs for us this month.  learned my lesson about snap soft hearted decisions last time.  This month is all about turtle habitats and dog allergies.  Harry has an ongoing itchy face problem that we were told may or may not be allergies and/or yeast build up.  I think we controlled it fairly well with face cleaning although there was still some itching and odor.  These past few weeks have seen a HUGE blow out case of red itchy watering eyes and yeast overgrowth.  He is totally allergic to something and the heat made it worse.  He goes to the dermatologist tomorrow.

I have finally purchased a sink/faucet hose/vacuum to clean the turtle tanks.  this will make the job so much easier i hope to do it more frequently.  i'm going to eliminate most of the substrate from the glass tank and what little i leave will be mixed with this stuff that has calcium in it and something else that is supposed to help clean the water.  Both filters will get cartridge changes.  And I've starting doing research on the best type of long term set up for them.  Even though i've had the oldest one 5 years i've never really learned a lot of details about them.  some basics, but not like a true hobbiest.  it's about time for a tank upgrade and i really want to know what is the best option for them, my home and my budget.

And i think the cat is getting a second litter box for the second floor.  he's old.  there have been no accidents, but he gets locked in the bedroom with me cuz of the air conditioner.  he already has food and water there.  a litter box only makes sense.  of course, it's just one more thing to clean.  he's very lucky he's soft.  and dopey looking. :)